I'm so dumb. I made this journal for the wrong reasons. That was when I was a sophomore... (I think) or a junior.... hmm, I don't remember. Anyway, that's not me anymore. I don't like to hate on people anymore. Juan is still my friend and Toni is still my friend, but I don't talk to either of them that much anymore. It's kinda sad, but stuff happens. You can't be close to all your friends all the time. I still love them all. They are wonderful. But such is life, with the high school graduation and the starting of new schools, I just don't talk to them much anymore. I can't write in this journal, because it makes me feel bad for all the things I said. Yes, I was insanely jealous and I won't say that I don't get insanely jealous anymore because I do, but now I know that its not their fault. People can't help who likes them. I had a habit of blaming everyone else for my mistakes. I still kinda do but not as much. I realize what I can improve on too. Anyway, I know Toni never read this, and I don't want her to know that I said all of this about her, but I would like to say sorry here. So Toni, I'm sorry. If you ever find this, I'm so sorry. I was young and impressionable. And we may never be close friends again but I don't think I'll ever have a reason to talk like this about you. Fuck, its almost four. Maybe I should call Elena and tell her not today. And tell her that I'm down for that quinceanera tomorrow. Why did I have to eat that peanut butter sandwich? Okay okay, I should start doing some of my own stuff. LIke on Mondays and wednesdays when we don't work out, i should Zumba it up some. And when we have a sudden cancellation, I should do that too, or do some sit ups in my room, or something.


I also don't talk to that Josh kid anymore but I'm glad about that.

I don't even know what I think anymore.
That stage is long over with.
Though I don't consider her a close friend anymore
I guess I can tolerate her.
Juan's not such a big deal anymore
so I guess thats probably why.
I just got off the phone with her.
I can see why I had so much hatred for her.
I'm a jealous maniac.

I just want to have a boyfriend and I thought Juan was it.
and I thought Toni was getting in the way
and therefore she was the worst.

but its all in my head.

But anyway.
This fucking kid.
ugh, flipping Josh Real.
Thinks he's my friend.
Sits next to me in school.
I wish i could go back to first session.

although i like the teacher.
he's cool.
if it weren't for Josh I would like this session.

I don't want to talk to him
He's just one of those people i don't want to talk to.
at all.

it me being shallow and i guess thats what this journal is about.
showing my bad side.
But I don't want to talk to him.
I wish he would get it.

not even as a friend.
uyyyyyy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggg aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

and what's even worse is that he patronizes me.
Like i have problems.
Like he's smarter than me.
Like he's better than me.
no. fucking. way.

if he were smarter than me, i would kill myself.
wtf does he think? I finish my work early but i don't turn it in right away.
Cus i don't want our papers to even touch.
I don't want anyone to think that i have anything to do with him.

Smarter? No way. I'm in AP.
I don't think I'm particularly smart cus I have smart friend but I will admit I'm smarter than the average person.
And let me tell you, He is less than average.

better? umm, no. no way in hell.
I have problems? no.
He thinks I'm such a loner. He thinks I'm a boring kid with no life that reads for fun.
which I do, and i wouldn't mind hearing that come from anybody else, but from him and his patronizing bullshit, no.
I would like to here him say "sporadic" in a casual conversation.

actually no, i wouldn't, cus that would be something in common with me and thats definitely not what i want.

I dont want him making jokes with me.
I don't want to ... hang out with him like he always wants to.

wouldn't you get the picture that someone doesn't want to hang out if they always find an excuse not to?

And i wouldn't even feel sorry for him. no sympathy.
seriously, when i first found out he was in my class and i had to sit next to him, when i got home and then next day when i got up, seriously though, I felt like THROWING UP.

he disgusts me that much.

I can't wait til summer school is over, I can tell him off and never have to talk to him again.
And i thank Toni for her wonderful advice and for agreeing with me.
We indeed do have an understanding.
at least there's no school tomorrow.